Coping

We have had so many people praying for us and expressing their support it is very uplifting to hear all of that. Ultimately, our ability to cope with the situation is from God Himself. When we look at things from His standpoint it clarifies the whole situation. First we see that we are not really the center of His universe: it is not about us but Him. Reading the first 2 chapters of Job helps lots. We see there that any adversity that Satan does to us is first okayed by God. We see that it is really about God's glory, not Job's questions. Job keeps asking 'why?' but the only answer he receives is 'Who'. That is, he is shown that God made us and He has the right to do as He wants with His creation. Our challenge is to accept that fact and trust God to do the right thing.

We can trust Him to do the right thing because other scripture reveals that God's purpose is to 1. magnify His own glory and 2. do what is best for us. We often do not agree with Him on what is best for us because we see things from our own limited viewpoint. The way we can come around to trusting Him is through reading much other scripture. Lately, I have been reading a book given to me by a friend from Sunday School: 'Trusting God' by Jerry Bridges which has been very helpful in clarifying some of these trust issues. However, my decision to trust God was settled before I ever saw that book based on my own reading and study of scripture.

There are just a few essential elements to this trust, proofs of which span the Bible:
1. God is there, He made us and everything else, and is all powerful.
2. God loves me so much He would rather die than go on living without me.
3. God is involved in putting down a rebellion among His creation lead by Satan.
4. I am involved in fighting this rebellion as I trust and obey Him.
5. I am also a prize to be fought for in this struggle--and God wants me with Him.
6. Having put my trust in Him, which is evidenced by my obedience, I can be assured of living with Him forever.

Based on these elements, WHATEVER happens to me I can be sure it is for His glory and for my ultimate good. Some of the things that happen to me may be very unpleasant but I can be sure that they are useful to Him in the ultimate struggle of good vs. evil even if I cannot, with my limited view see how. Based on points 4 and 5 above, I can also be assured that my adversity is meaningful, not trivial, so I can endure it with the assurance that it is really necessary.

If anyone would like, I will post specific references for the 6 points of faith I made.

Some Like it Cold

Do you like ice cream? Yeah, me too.

I gladly missed out on having my hair fall out (most of it is already gone anyway), and the nausea has been very tolerable thanks to good drugs; but one thing I did catch was the 'cold sensitivity' side effect. What this means is that cold causes a feeling like pins and needles in parts exposed to cold. Running cold water over your hand makes it feel the way it does when you bang your 'funny bone'. This is not a big deal on your hands--you adapt pretty quickly, but when you take a big swig of iced tea, and that pins and needles feeling is in your throat, you react pretty quickly and violently. And you REALLY don't want to do that again!

Happily, this wears off over time and I am back to eating ice cream and quaffing cold drinks again. WOW, bring on the ice cream.

Bills

There are a lot of bills associated with getting this sick, as you can imagine. We recently did the 'get the bills together and send them off' thing, but with a difference.

Most people have a health insurance company, and they either have the doctor/hospital bill the insurance company directly, or all they have to do is send the bill they get to the company and it somehow magically gets taken care of; well, except for some that come back to you as expense that is not covered by your particular policy. How many come back like that is a function of how 'good' your policy is. But in our case, we are one of those millions of people that you hear about in the news who do not have health insurance.

Unlike many of those millions we chose the situation we are in very deliberately: we are part of an association of Christians who have banded together for the purpose of sharing our medical expenses. We agree to share a fixed amount each month with others in the group who have medical expenses that month. If there are more expenses than member share amounts available for the month, expenses are prorated. If less, then some members who may still have outstanding bills from previous months receive more help. This means we are individually responsible to pay our own bills, and when our need is published to the members we receive a number of checks from members to help us pay our medical bills. The checks are often accompanied with get well cards and promises to pray for us.

Although we have sent plenty of checks and get well cards out, we have only experienced the process from the helping side. Now we will get to see the other end: how needs are met. In the first place, we have pointed out to hospitals and doctors that we are not insured although we do belong to Samaritan Ministry, and many have graciously given us large discounts to help us meet our commitments. We only submitted our first list of bills last Wednesday, so we have not been through the whole process yet--but we can't wait to see how it all works from the needs end as the checks start coming in.

For anyone interested, Samaritan Ministries is at www.samaritanministries.org. It is one of at least three such organizations run by Christians for sharing medical expenses without insurance. Kind of reminds me of the early settlers getting together to rebuild a neighbor's barn that had burned down. There is a satisfaction that comes from sending off a check directly to someone who needs it to pay a bill, and I am looking forward to a sense of thankfulness toward those who help me, as well as the Lord for making it possible.

Atlastapost

I have been somewhat somnolent the past few days and let this go too long. Sorry.

We went to see the Dr. today and got some good news: my blood work came out looking very good in spite of having the Chemo. Some other complaints are minor and easily handled and some of my concerns re pain can be addressed the next time I have an IV treatment.

We even talked a little about test/measurement issues (kind of like work). My daughter had asked if they tested the chemotherapy drug on a biopsy to see if it actually worked. It turns out that this has been done off and on over the past 10 years or so, with mixed results. The problem is one of transference: that is, testing in a petri dish environment does not necessarily transfer to treatment in a Chuck's guts environment. The results for the Cancer Dr. is that there has been poor correlation between test and treatment results, and when you consider that the test is very expensive, it seems more prudent to treat immediately with the best known treatment. At QP we always tried to test in the real world to avoid this kind of a problem.

It seem we will be able to meet some friends in the Mountains for a few days, so I will not be able to post again 'til we return. I was thinking of laying in the sun--but the wife tells me I am supposed to avoid too much sun. She is much better at remembering all these rules than I am.

Chemo's A Pain Cont'd

I should not have crowed about it so soon. I didn't drink enough liquids yesterday and ended up very dehydrated by evening. Temp went up and felt lousy, and ended up with an unneeded trip to the emergency room. All the fault of my just not feeling like drinking and not doing it. I promise to follow Dr. directions in the future. I spent an inordinate amount of time napping today to make up for staying up half the night.

My son and his wife just left for home yesterday afternoon after finishing some work in our utility room that I started but couldn't finish since getting sick. They put up some molding, and assembled and hung wall cabinets so all the 'stuff' sitting all over the house can be put away where it belongs. We were so happy they could visit and spend time with us, and all that work was just 'icing on the cake'.

The Lord has upheld us with His powerful right hand.

Chemo's A Pain

Well, it wasn't as bad as it could have been but it wasn't as good as it could have been either. It took about 3 hours of sitting and waiting for the poison (I know they call it medicine, but we all know it is just a very specific poison) to drip through the IV. The one that takes about 3 hours can cause some serious side effects: by the time it was done, my arm and hand where it went in was aching and tingling. It is 6 hours now and much of the pain is gone. I also have a strange reaction to cold: just putting my hand in cold water coming out of the tap makes it feel like I have pins and needles sticking in me. Trying to drink cold water causes the same reaction in my mouth. It is a shock the first time--and you don't do it again. The literature says this will wear off in 5 days or so.

On the other hand: NO NAUSEA! That was really great (at least so far). I can handle pain a lot better than nausea. An answer to prayer maybe?

Thanks to all you people for that!

We love you all,
Chuck and Penny

In His Image

When reading Matt 13:44-45 many people put themselves in the place of the man finding a treasure, and the treasure it the gospel. However, in the other similar parables that Jesus told, the one doing the finding is God and what is found is us, his lost ones. In these two verses the value of what is found is emphasized: He sold all he had to obtain it (me). He made the universe, all that is belongs to Him, things are of little value because He wishes them into existence. On the other hand, what is more valuable, more precious, what could cost Him more than the life of His Son? So we see that in the whole struggle of good and evil the 'prize' for God is the love and worship of human beings, and God gave everything He had to get it.

We are told in Genesis that we are made in His Image: like Him in so many ways. We communicate with Him and each other, we can be creative, we have emotions like His, we think and use logic, and we have power equal to His. Power equal to His? No, we cannot make things out of thin air (or thinner vacuum), nor know what others are thinking, or know the future as well as the past. But here He has given everything He has for us, for our love, and yet has granted to us the ability to resist Him! He considers love that is not freely given as not real love. The only thing He cannot just make happen by thinking about it is in our power to give or withhold. What a bold God--to trust His future to such as us. I love Him more each time I think about it.

In a few hours I am going for the first Chemo treatment. I will let you know how it goes.

Medicine

Just an update on what kind of medicine I will be taking. There are 3 chemotherapy drugs: Xeloda, a pill to be taken daily; and 2 IV induced drugs, Oxaliplatin and Epirubicin. The nurse says I've been given an aggressive schedule since I really look healthy (presumably that will never do for someone with cancer). The side effects are all the ones you hear about, hair falling out, not that that is a problem, and nausea; plus there is one drug that sometimes causes extreme reaction to cold. Please pray for me to have minimal reactions so I can get through the treatment ok.

Thanks,
Chuck

The Picture

When the surgeon showed me I could tell it was cancer with no need for any training at all. A boiling mass of red and pink cells with no structure fills almost the whole esophagus. The red and pink look angry, vile, even evil. It is out to get me.

Peter says (1Pet5:8) sin is like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. If this is a lion, it is sure an ugly and grotesque one. I am not afraid of him. Someone bigger and tougher is on my side! Whatever happens, I will be victorious because He is. I will trust Him with whatever He decides.

No new medical news, just had to get that stupid picture off my chest!

Thanks guys...

People

I am continually amazed and delighted at how nice people are. Got a call from an old friend earlier today and he wanted to know everything and especially how I am spiritually. He says I am doing great along that line, but how can I not?

Every time I turn around God reminds me how He has been preparing me for this, and going before me. We emailed a nurse friend who, it so happens works in oncology, she was praying that I get a really good oncologist--she thought one of those she works with was one of the best. Know how the nurse comes to the waiting room to call you to see the doctor? Well, the next morning when we went to the Dr. , the nurse who came out and called me was her. And the oncologist was the one she wanted me to have. And then he was very good about calling my family doctor, a good friend, and talking over the treatment with him; and the friend thought the oncologist was very good. So there you go--the oncologist was vetted by three friends in a matter of a day.

Our medical cost sharing program has already been a blessing. I called to get the packet of materials I will need to collect the bills and submit them and the people who answered were just as interested in my spiritual health as my physical. Great people.

As for medical stuff: We will be starting a course of treatment with 2 types of IVs next Tuesday. There are also some pills I have to take. I had some kind of heart test yesterday, so when we take the chemo they can check again and see that it does not hurt my heart.

Thanks again to all who have sent cards, flowers, books, etc.

Together at Last

For some time now Penny and I have prayed that we could do something more meaningful, and do it together. I go to work, she volunteers at Church, I volunteer for something else, all good stuff--but most of the time separate. We tried teaching Sunday School for 4 year olds (great experience-you should try it). That was mostly together, but I did the teaching, and she helped. We enjoyed it, but yearned and prayed for something we both could really get our arms around in a big way.

Now we have it. My diagnosis with esophageal cancer has pulled us together as nothing else could do. I am so clear on how much I need her and her utter and complete dependence on the Lord. She wants to be here for me and strengthen me as never before. We are truly one, we cleave together as one flesh just as the description in Genesis makes clear. God is doing something really big in our lives: both of us are excited to see what will come out of it.

The medical situation is this: the cancer has metastasized and some lymph nodes in my abdomen as well as possibly some of my pelvis bone show signs of the cancer. We will begin chemotherapy with 3 drugs next week to try to affect these nodes as well as the size of the original cancer on my esophagus. Surgery is not likely. The chances of the chemotherapy affecting the cancer is 40-50% so we will do some tests after the first one or two 'cycles' and see if it is working.

Prayer: that our strength in the Lord will continue, that our family will be encouraged through God's presence, and that His grace will be poured out on us, and that healing will take place as well.